As i sit here, staring at this blank canvas of a tumblr post, i think about how i am going communicate my idea in a thoughtful, clever and concise piece of text. This is a long and complex issue which i am not trying to analyse, but i suppose i am sort of trying to explain it to myself.
Without exploring, we can’t really say we do or do not like something. Obvious! The way our mums used to tell us that until we tried the cabbage, we couldn’t say we didn’t like it (and i have so say, i quite like cabbage).
This same rule of exploration applies to life. I say i want to travel America. I know the states i want to visit. The reasons why and i even know some of the shops, restaurants an places of interest i want to see. I have all these sudden desires of places i want ti go and things i want to do, and i can’t. That’s the point!
Right now, i could buy a ticket and go. This trip could be amazing. It could be terrible. My anxiety is what is stopping me at the moment. The idea of me doing such a thing is utterly terrifying, though when i analyse the issues fully, i see no problem other than my anxiety holding me back. (which isn’t as much of a hindrance as it is to others).
Without exploring all these wonderful dreams of mine (basically a form of helping my anxiety/using CBT techniques) I wont be able to move forward.
I live two lives. The one in my head where i do all these amazing things (thus proving within reason that i CAN do them) and the one i am living with hints of fear here and there.
I will not wake up tomorrow feeling fearless. I have techniques to work on. And until i start exploring these techniques, then, and only then, will i by heading towards a semi-fearless existence, which as far as i’m concerned, sounds amazing!
I still dream of working in Paris and New York and though that wont be any time too soon, there is no harm in keeping those goals in mind. After all, there is a fearless being inside me…